Collecting my belongs, and left the jail, thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.

I worry too much.
I think about pointless things way too much.
I drive way to fast.
I stare at the ocean while driving way too much.
I am way overly paranoid.
I am too depressed sometimes, and that drives people away a lot.
I don't love people enough.
I sin too much.
I dont talk to God enough.

is there ever forgiveness? I dont know.
Do I want forgiveness? My mind says I don't know, but my heart says yes!

So a funny thing happened today in the car.
I was driving home today, and it was raining (its been a rainy October here in cali) and I have honestly been struggling with a bit of depression lately, not really over Africa, but just life in general, and I was sitting in the car, and I was saying to myself, wow, I just dont feel good inside. I feel like I have this weird void.
This weird emptiness.

Just then a ge video jumped into my head.

If i were some random person I had met in a foreign country, I would have just led myself to Christ right there on the spot.

I have been focusing so much on ministering to my friends by fitting in with them that I had become one of the world. I was blending in so much that I had lost that spark of God.

So now I sit, and I have forked the road for myself.

Return to God.
and be happy.

Or dont,
and follow this path, see where it leads.
God still loves you.

And honestly? If you want the truth, I'm not exactly sure which road that I want to take.

I know I should be on the God path, because it's a happier path.

or I can keep doing what I am doing, and never grow in knowing him.

Which path to take?

Im not exactly sure. But I know that every fiber in my body is screaming for the latter. But my heart is telling me to crack a bible, as weird as that feels to me, and read it.

I have all these big dreams. All the amazing wonderful dreams that I really want to come true.

I want to live in Africa.
I want to adopt african children.
I want to pour myself out to them.
I want to watch them grow up and change their community.

I want to see all this happen.

And somehow, I just dont know how its going to happen.

And it frusterates the crap outa me.

Just like completing the square.

... I dont even want to talk about how much completing the square was pissing me off today in math class.

Anywho, I just don't know.

It was interesting, in Meg's note that she wrote, she talked about how her heart was broke for a fledgling country called America.

My heart has broke for an ancient continent and its people.

And I just dont know that I can handle it anymore.

Ugh. One thing that makes me embarassed to call myself a Christian is the hypocrasy in the church.
but look at me! LOOK AT ME!
what a hypocrite I am!

"How many roads must a man walk down,
before you call him a man?
How many seas must the white dove sail,
before she sleeps in the sand?"
"The answer is blowin in the wind"

Bob Dylan, as stuck up and impressed with himself as he is, has some really amazing things to say in his beautiful songs.

They are songs for our generation. Were going to be the next hippie generation, with out the free love and the drugs.

Sounds good to me.

gravity.

Gravity...
gravity is working against me...
and gravity,
wants to bring me down.

Ah math. The joy. The pain.
The sorrow.
The crazy teachers, the giant F's.
The poor math majors who will make thousands more than I ever will.

Math is bane of my existance.

It is 11:18 Pm.

I am 19 years old.

6 ft.

207 Lbs.

Brown haired again.

Blue eyed.

I go to college, majoring in ESSP with a current focus of Marine and Coastal Ecology, soon to be a double focus with an extra focus in Social Justice.

I live at home.

I dont pay for anything.
Not even gas right now.

And yet.

I just feel like there's something more.

Something that I am missing.

God? Prehaps.

Were not exactly on speaking terms right now.
At least on my end.

I am not content.

I dont know that I ever have been.

Im not happy.

Who knows if I ever will be. Nirvana knows the tendency to not be runs in our family.

I don't think my dad has ever been happy with anything he has ever had.

Its amazing how much my dad annoys the hell out of me, but still I ritualistically look up to him for advice. Even if its unspoken advice, cause I can't even talk to him.

Who am I?
Who have I become?
Whats left of me?
What a sad pathetic excuse for an existence I am!
I cant even speak to my own father.

I am afraid of my neighbors, despite the fact that they are some of the nicest people I have ever met.

And I cant even go out with someone with out planning what I am going to say.

And I pray and Pray and Pray and Pray. And I feel like nothing ever changes.

It just feels like nothing ever changes.

It makes me wonder.

God is there.
I cant deny that.

He has a plan for me.
I cant deny that.

Hes present in our lives.
I cant deny that.

But is he involved in every intimate step?
I just don't know.

I just don't know.

Maybe I'll never know.

"Don't stop this train, don't for a minute want to change the place your in"

"when your dreaming with a broken heart...
the wakin' up is the hardest part...
you roll out of bed...
down on your knees...
and for a moment you can hardly breathe..."

Sorry just needed to get this out there.

And thats what my mind is going over.
And probably will go over for days on end.


"Come gather around people,
where ever you roam.
and admit that the waters around you have grown,
and that soon you'll be drenched to the bone.
And if your time to you is worth saving,
you better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone!

For the times, they are a'changing.
Come senators congressmen, please heed the call!
... The battle outside thats ragin,
will soon break your windows and rattle your walls!

Come mothers and fathers throughout the land...
Don't criticize what you cant understand...
Your sons and your daughters are beyond your command...
your old road is rapidly aging!
please get out of the new one if you cant lend a hand!

For times they are a changing."

In the event of an emergency, break the glass.

"He smiles politely back at you,
you stare politely right on through."

Having done so much driving alone in the past weekend, I have realized/started contemplating several things.

Its always amazing what you get to think about while your driving, cut off from all your outside influences besides the music and the road. The long straight road that is highway 5 and the central valley.

Okay, so I really enjoy the snow.
and cold.
and fall.
Its secretly because I want to be a crazy indie boy and wear a scarf and grey.

My Ipod is much more interesting on shuffle.

I DO NOT like most of relient k's new album.

I need to find out who makes those cool sneakers that people wear up there.

I need a nice grandpa hat.

I need more beanies.

The later i stay up without food, the closer to comfortable I get.

"Something is scratching its way out, something you want to forget about" is very profound, and has several meanings beyond what meets the eye, and pretains to my life.

If you dont breathe for a while you feel like your floating.

but then you nearly pass out/pass out.

Heavy stuff isnt fun to think about, because it does just what its supposed to... weighs you down.

Life isn't fair.

God is there.

God has a plan for your life.

maybe hes just not there for every intamate step.

Just becasue you do something that the church considers a "worse sin" doesn't make you not a christian.

Just divides you from God, and comunicating with him.

A bad thing?

I am not content.

"When you're older, you might understand."

Highway 5 may very well be the straightest road on the face of the planet.

My car CAN hit 90.

Your speed should be relative to the cars around you, no matter how fast of slow that may be.

I should have moved out.

I should get in the pool more.

I should get a solid support group at home.

I should go to church.

I should meet people.

Its my own fault that I don't. There is a tad of it I dont have a say in.

Everyone is just as screwed up as the next person. Who are we to judge?
And thats the truth.

I am so good at hiding the fake that people think that I am comfortable in my own skin.

The truth is, I don't actually know who I really am.

It's possible that through all those layers, there may be nothing there.

nothing.....
nothing at all.

And thats a scary thought.

Bothesome things that you wish were not there dont just go away on their own. They only pretend to go away and then come back with a vengance. A scary, rejuvenated vengeance.
An Im going to distroy you vengance.

And Im really sick of this.

I really, truly am.

And that is just the begining of what my mind contemplates.

Im sparing you the details.

Finally, anywhere you dont know at night by yourself is sketchy.

Driving in your car isn't so bad. Its kind of fun.

I love oregon.

I want to move to the northwest one of these days.

I abandond that thought like he abandoned me.

I really enjoy Relient K.
Not as much as I enjoy mewithoutYou.
They are vastly better.

I'm seeing them in Nov.
I'm stoked.

Okay, so I always thing my chem is going to take like an hour, and it always ends up taking like 3 hours longer than I expected. Its okay, Im running off of like a half a liter of Mtn. Dew.

Woo.
Im not going to be able to sleep at all.
That secretly makes me sad on the inside, because I have to be up at 7 for a chem lecture at 8:30.
Sigh.

But then theres the lab. Which is fun.
I just got to remeber to wear shoes and not sandals, otherwise I have to wear the boots. and those are gross.
Better than having acid spill of on your bare feet.

That would be painful,
very painful. Im currently editing and uploading my highschool senior project for english to facebook. Me and my friends are pretty friggin proud of it.

NOTE does have some foul languge. I think. Its been a while since i have watched it.
Tis uplading. 8 mins remaining.

Okay.
So.
Theres really no major updates.
Im getting really fat.

Really fat.
You have no idea.

They dont lie about the 15 lbs you gain.

SO MUCH FRIED FOOD.

I dont know how people survive off food from there...
I honestly dont know how.

What else....
Nothing really.
My Math teacher has finally realized that I have missed the last 3 Tusedays in a row, and has labeled me a "Know-it-all" because she says I think I know everything that is teaching (which for the most part is true... being the second time trhough it and all. ) But well see how that works out.

My room is still clean.
Still.
I should probably go clean it up after I kind of droped everything on the floor from school.
Thats what I do once the video is made.

Uh, yeah.
Still missing Africa, even though I know im going back and all.
I miss the people alot.
Wish they were all here.
but se la vie.

I dont think thats how you spell that.
I cant speak french!
Spanish, is a different story.

Yo hablo espanol mas bueno que frances.

pero yo no se como escribir muy bien.

Como SE llama?
(sugestively)

haha.

Too much fun. I really am enjoying the polyphonic spree.
Some of thier songs are great. The others... well not so much.
2 mins! woot! haha.
So yeah.

Thats about all thats going on with me.

Everyone wants to look at my class ring in chem.

Maybe its cause thats the only class i have friends besides Eric in.
haha.

God was love.
God is love.
God will be love.

Amen.
Peace out.

One day, Life.

One day there will be life.
one day the death will end.
One day.
One day.

but until that day,
I will sit here and wait.
Until that day, when i can tie my shoes together and throw them over the telephone wire,
until that day,
I will continue walking.

Until that day, I will wait,
steadfast,
until that day.

wastin my time in the waiting line....

Today is going pretty well.
Im really starting to come out of that whole depressed streak that I was going through.
Today is really peaceful. I feel like serene. Like listening to my music loud and just resting. Cleaning my room. Chilling.

Its a nice change of pace.

I Should probably be going because Im limiting myself to one hour of internet during the daylight hours for the next few days.
I feel like theres so much more to be done. Im also not watching any TV.

Its quite nice.
No useless noise polution.

Ah, the feel of serenity.

I really like the shins.

And yeah. Its amazing.

I know this is basically what I posted on myspace.
But I hate myspace.
I think Im going to delete it.

Who knows.

Peace out.

Ah, sweet inconsistency

Okay, so my last few posts have been kind of cynical.
Ill admit.

but this one will be happy-er.
Okay, so I'm really stoked.

Ive decided to apply for internships this summer. Im really excited about it.

And school was cool today.

And I dont have to worry about getting to work on time from school. I can chill and hang out and do homework. Its a shame. I really liked that job.
Good people there. If you ever need flowers
GO TO SEASCAPE FLOWERS!

they be good people.

Yeah, so I'm really enjoying college. Its a great school for me. Small, good people, stuff im interested in. Its really enjoyable.

But I really feel like Im supposed to be in Africa. You know, just one of those things.

Sigh.

And im finally going to see the doctor! Ive been like sick on and off with bronchitus like things since April.

FINALLY! im also going to try and get something to deworm me, because I may have picked some up in Panama. because I get really hungry, but feel really full at the same time.

Gross, I know.

But I felt you guys need to know.

Haha.
Im going to to go take some photos now.

Ill post more later on tonight.

I am the Beautiful Letdown

Honestly?
Im tired.

Honestly?
Life is kinda sucking.

Honestly?
Pre Calc is easy. Its the homework thats hard.
McBride was right.

Honestly?
I feel like I have no friends, minus 1 or 2, here.
I just wish some were guys.

Honestly?
I'm a bigger disappointment than you'll ever know.

Honestly?
I feel bad about not going to Math. Its just so hard.

Honestly?
I really like bioshock.
Despite the violence.

Honestly?
I really dont want to quit, you just dont pay me enough. I like the job.

Honestly?
I am the beautiful letdown.


Today was good. Got out of Chem early, chilled before work.
Tomarrow is not going to be so good. I have classes from 8 till 7:30.
Its a long day.
I had to really bring myself back from spinning out this morning.
Driving in the morning while your still tired in traffic with lots of other cranky people is not fun. Or good for my health.

Got this new game called "Bioshock."
Its a lot of fun.
But super gory.
and really creepy.
But not really in a demonic way.
Just in a distopian, what humans could do, kind of way.

Does that make me a bad person? Who knows.

I cant help but feel God is evermore distant.
Like, I know hes there, but I never really do feel him anymore.
I feel weird about it.
I have a lot of time to think, driving so much.
Yeah.

I wish that my guys were here.
I'm having a rough go of it.

"Resist the Devil, and he will flee."

Sometimes its just hard to put up a fight.

Aaron.

People are not good.

Okay, so I have really been struck lately of how much this truly holds true.
People, in their core,
In thier heart of hearts are
scary.

They're scary.
Look at us.

KKK.
LRA.
Nazis.
Starvation in Ethiopia.
Zimbabwe Collapsing.
Black people in South Africa living in shanty towns, looking for work.
Children losing their parents to preventable disease in Zambia.

Left to our own devices, we are not good beings.

But thats where God comes in.
And thats a good thing.

So, Im back. Ha, and you thought I would never come back.

I am back.
I plan to stay back for a while.
I think. I like blogger, and mostly no one knows about it, so I can actually be honest. What a concept!
Okay, here's a brief rundown of things that have happened since March.


A. June 6th. I passed high school and graduated. barely.
B. June 8th. I flew to Dallas, Texas and drove to Garden Valley, Tx. for my MA training the day after I graduated.
C. June 13th. I Flew to Johannesburg, South Africa, and then on to Lusaka, Zambia.
so much happened in between the next two dates, I feel they requre their own list/story after this list.
D. Aug. 4th. Returned home from a 7 week stay in Southern Africa. Ouch, my heart hurts.
A lot.
E. Aug. 10th-ish. Got 2 new jobs, started to get ready for college, and finally got some rest and caught up on 2 months of exhaustion.
F. Aug. 26th. Started college @ CSUMB.
G. Today. Well, nothing exciting.

I love reconnecting with old friends. It makes me so happy on the inside.

Okay, so as promised, heres a few quick lists of things that have happened in Africa.
I met kids who have lost parents and experienced pain that I could never ever understand.
I loved kids who I had to leave.
I wonder what happened.

Traveled.
Saw people, places and things that were broken beyond repair.
My heart was broken beyond repair.

I saw people healed of diseases.
and I still doubt.
still.

I left 2 families behind, in places that were less than ideal. Most never to been seen or heard from again.

I try to adjust back, but I really just cant.
I belong there.
Theres not much I can do about that.

I dont honestly know.

So in the end,
You conserve what you love,
you love what you know,
and you know only what you have been taught.

My eyes on fire cause I think I got bleach in it.
maybe. It was like on my hands from work.
okay all better.

I dont know what to write here anymore.
Not at all.

This is turning into a random spot for rambling.
I dont mind it so much.

The ups seem to out way the downs.

I dont know why Im starting one of these up again.
I guess im just a glutton for punishment.
I dont understand anything.
I dont know why i try.
I feel like im cutting God out of the equation.
But then I realize that he is the key.
And that maybe my sadness, while it feels right in the moment, isnt right.
And although, I would love to stay depressed, i dont know why, I know i must not let it take hold agian.
No more.
And so i sit,
clinging to what is left of a summer that is no more. Amazing, but is no more.
no more.
Why do people just assume. Why do they just assume?
And then leave when im hurting the most.
I dont want to understand.
I just screwed up.
I just screwed up.