Its been over a year. My.

Well, I figured since i don't really use this anymore, I should use it randomly every couple of years.

Something like that.

Things that Have Changed since we last spoke, blogger.

-My grandpa died.

-I failed Precalc, promised my counselor I could pass calc anyway, and then proceded to fail calc.

-Decided that life was worth living with some fourm of confidence that came out of nowhere.

-Decided that I need to live on my own.

-I found God, and then Lost his number (again)

-Decided that sleeping alone sucks ass.

-I have found that my profuse feelings for Africa are fading every day that I don't visit.

-Made and lost many a friends, and learned a lot about relationships.

-Gained all my lost weight back, or at least I feel like I did.

And a variety of other interesting things.

Read this note quickly because by tomorrow it will probably be gone.

Or maybe because I typed this, I will keep it around.

Who knows?

Oveall, the past year has been interesting.
Led me to think a lot of things,
played a giant game of dash my hopes,
and then lifted me back up.

I'm glad that 2008 is over, and I'm hoping that 2009 holds better things than its predecessors. I mean, I turn 21. it can't be all bad!

Well the point was fast, but it was too blunt to miss

"Life handed us a paycheck, and we said, We worked harder than this!"

It's been a while.

I go back and fouth between blogging on blogger and facebook. I think i'm just going to post a permalink on my page to this page, and spruce up my blog page and stay here. its just a lot easier for me, and I dont know, then I'm not like putting it out there how much I blog. Cause it like announces it on facebook.

I dont know.

I'm listening to the Fray.
This is going to be an epic blog.

I've really been struggling with the fact that my journal is somewhere in a landfill in South Africa. That had so much of my life for the past year in it. The ups and downs, and all the inspiration.

I dont know. I started a new one, but it just doesn't hold the same power. Its wierd.

So for the past 2 nights I have stayed up past 2 am (which is way too late for me, I need a lot of sleep) and got up at 9ish (cause thats as late as I can sleep in with out freaking out that I'm losing the day).

I think i'm going to pass out soon from exhaustion.
I can hardly move to do anything. The last time I felt this tired, I fell out of my computer chair, grabbed the beanbag to use as a pillow and slept for like 4 hours.

Guys, my friends are back, and now I really don't want to start school. I was stoked about it, but now its just like, crap. back to the grind, I guess. I don't start till 4 on tuesday though, so that gives me the whole day. But it also means that I'm going to have to get my sleep/eating patterns back into a normal routine. cause I go to class for like 4 hours, then I come home, and have to be at class at 8:30 the next morning, till like 4. It's lame. REALLY LAME!

I dont know.

I can't stop thinking about how much I miss my Journal. And How much I wish that I had it here with me so I could relive all the things that I had happen to me. In a sense, I've been comforting myself with the fact that it also had all the crap that I had been through in the past year and I left it all behind, kinda like giving me a new start.

Die to your old self?

I guess so.

I don't know how I feel about anything anymore.
several questions have been raised in my mind.
1. Is God still God if they call him something else?
2. Can you be saved and not lose your culture if your religon is a huge part of your culture?
The only way I could see that being true is if you drop all parts of your religon/culture that conflict with the bible. But what if that is your entire way of life?
3. What's the point?
What if it's all a huge joke?

I dont know.
we'll see how it works out.
I guess.


I can see my feet in the mirror. They really don't look that big when i'm looking down at them. but like looking at them in comparison to everything ese in the room, their pretty friggin huge.

I dont know.
more later.

Collecting my belongs, and left the jail, thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.

I worry too much.
I think about pointless things way too much.
I drive way to fast.
I stare at the ocean while driving way too much.
I am way overly paranoid.
I am too depressed sometimes, and that drives people away a lot.
I don't love people enough.
I sin too much.
I dont talk to God enough.

is there ever forgiveness? I dont know.
Do I want forgiveness? My mind says I don't know, but my heart says yes!

So a funny thing happened today in the car.
I was driving home today, and it was raining (its been a rainy October here in cali) and I have honestly been struggling with a bit of depression lately, not really over Africa, but just life in general, and I was sitting in the car, and I was saying to myself, wow, I just dont feel good inside. I feel like I have this weird void.
This weird emptiness.

Just then a ge video jumped into my head.

If i were some random person I had met in a foreign country, I would have just led myself to Christ right there on the spot.

I have been focusing so much on ministering to my friends by fitting in with them that I had become one of the world. I was blending in so much that I had lost that spark of God.

So now I sit, and I have forked the road for myself.

Return to God.
and be happy.

Or dont,
and follow this path, see where it leads.
God still loves you.

And honestly? If you want the truth, I'm not exactly sure which road that I want to take.

I know I should be on the God path, because it's a happier path.

or I can keep doing what I am doing, and never grow in knowing him.

Which path to take?

Im not exactly sure. But I know that every fiber in my body is screaming for the latter. But my heart is telling me to crack a bible, as weird as that feels to me, and read it.

I have all these big dreams. All the amazing wonderful dreams that I really want to come true.

I want to live in Africa.
I want to adopt african children.
I want to pour myself out to them.
I want to watch them grow up and change their community.

I want to see all this happen.

And somehow, I just dont know how its going to happen.

And it frusterates the crap outa me.

Just like completing the square.

... I dont even want to talk about how much completing the square was pissing me off today in math class.

Anywho, I just don't know.

It was interesting, in Meg's note that she wrote, she talked about how her heart was broke for a fledgling country called America.

My heart has broke for an ancient continent and its people.

And I just dont know that I can handle it anymore.

Ugh. One thing that makes me embarassed to call myself a Christian is the hypocrasy in the church.
but look at me! LOOK AT ME!
what a hypocrite I am!

"How many roads must a man walk down,
before you call him a man?
How many seas must the white dove sail,
before she sleeps in the sand?"
"The answer is blowin in the wind"

Bob Dylan, as stuck up and impressed with himself as he is, has some really amazing things to say in his beautiful songs.

They are songs for our generation. Were going to be the next hippie generation, with out the free love and the drugs.

Sounds good to me.

gravity.

Gravity...
gravity is working against me...
and gravity,
wants to bring me down.

Ah math. The joy. The pain.
The sorrow.
The crazy teachers, the giant F's.
The poor math majors who will make thousands more than I ever will.

Math is bane of my existance.

It is 11:18 Pm.

I am 19 years old.

6 ft.

207 Lbs.

Brown haired again.

Blue eyed.

I go to college, majoring in ESSP with a current focus of Marine and Coastal Ecology, soon to be a double focus with an extra focus in Social Justice.

I live at home.

I dont pay for anything.
Not even gas right now.

And yet.

I just feel like there's something more.

Something that I am missing.

God? Prehaps.

Were not exactly on speaking terms right now.
At least on my end.

I am not content.

I dont know that I ever have been.

Im not happy.

Who knows if I ever will be. Nirvana knows the tendency to not be runs in our family.

I don't think my dad has ever been happy with anything he has ever had.

Its amazing how much my dad annoys the hell out of me, but still I ritualistically look up to him for advice. Even if its unspoken advice, cause I can't even talk to him.

Who am I?
Who have I become?
Whats left of me?
What a sad pathetic excuse for an existence I am!
I cant even speak to my own father.

I am afraid of my neighbors, despite the fact that they are some of the nicest people I have ever met.

And I cant even go out with someone with out planning what I am going to say.

And I pray and Pray and Pray and Pray. And I feel like nothing ever changes.

It just feels like nothing ever changes.

It makes me wonder.

God is there.
I cant deny that.

He has a plan for me.
I cant deny that.

Hes present in our lives.
I cant deny that.

But is he involved in every intimate step?
I just don't know.

I just don't know.

Maybe I'll never know.

"Don't stop this train, don't for a minute want to change the place your in"

"when your dreaming with a broken heart...
the wakin' up is the hardest part...
you roll out of bed...
down on your knees...
and for a moment you can hardly breathe..."

Sorry just needed to get this out there.

And thats what my mind is going over.
And probably will go over for days on end.


"Come gather around people,
where ever you roam.
and admit that the waters around you have grown,
and that soon you'll be drenched to the bone.
And if your time to you is worth saving,
you better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone!

For the times, they are a'changing.
Come senators congressmen, please heed the call!
... The battle outside thats ragin,
will soon break your windows and rattle your walls!

Come mothers and fathers throughout the land...
Don't criticize what you cant understand...
Your sons and your daughters are beyond your command...
your old road is rapidly aging!
please get out of the new one if you cant lend a hand!

For times they are a changing."

In the event of an emergency, break the glass.

"He smiles politely back at you,
you stare politely right on through."

Having done so much driving alone in the past weekend, I have realized/started contemplating several things.

Its always amazing what you get to think about while your driving, cut off from all your outside influences besides the music and the road. The long straight road that is highway 5 and the central valley.

Okay, so I really enjoy the snow.
and cold.
and fall.
Its secretly because I want to be a crazy indie boy and wear a scarf and grey.

My Ipod is much more interesting on shuffle.

I DO NOT like most of relient k's new album.

I need to find out who makes those cool sneakers that people wear up there.

I need a nice grandpa hat.

I need more beanies.

The later i stay up without food, the closer to comfortable I get.

"Something is scratching its way out, something you want to forget about" is very profound, and has several meanings beyond what meets the eye, and pretains to my life.

If you dont breathe for a while you feel like your floating.

but then you nearly pass out/pass out.

Heavy stuff isnt fun to think about, because it does just what its supposed to... weighs you down.

Life isn't fair.

God is there.

God has a plan for your life.

maybe hes just not there for every intamate step.

Just becasue you do something that the church considers a "worse sin" doesn't make you not a christian.

Just divides you from God, and comunicating with him.

A bad thing?

I am not content.

"When you're older, you might understand."

Highway 5 may very well be the straightest road on the face of the planet.

My car CAN hit 90.

Your speed should be relative to the cars around you, no matter how fast of slow that may be.

I should have moved out.

I should get in the pool more.

I should get a solid support group at home.

I should go to church.

I should meet people.

Its my own fault that I don't. There is a tad of it I dont have a say in.

Everyone is just as screwed up as the next person. Who are we to judge?
And thats the truth.

I am so good at hiding the fake that people think that I am comfortable in my own skin.

The truth is, I don't actually know who I really am.

It's possible that through all those layers, there may be nothing there.

nothing.....
nothing at all.

And thats a scary thought.

Bothesome things that you wish were not there dont just go away on their own. They only pretend to go away and then come back with a vengance. A scary, rejuvenated vengeance.
An Im going to distroy you vengance.

And Im really sick of this.

I really, truly am.

And that is just the begining of what my mind contemplates.

Im sparing you the details.

Finally, anywhere you dont know at night by yourself is sketchy.

Driving in your car isn't so bad. Its kind of fun.

I love oregon.

I want to move to the northwest one of these days.

I abandond that thought like he abandoned me.

I really enjoy Relient K.
Not as much as I enjoy mewithoutYou.
They are vastly better.

I'm seeing them in Nov.
I'm stoked.

Okay, so I always thing my chem is going to take like an hour, and it always ends up taking like 3 hours longer than I expected. Its okay, Im running off of like a half a liter of Mtn. Dew.

Woo.
Im not going to be able to sleep at all.
That secretly makes me sad on the inside, because I have to be up at 7 for a chem lecture at 8:30.
Sigh.

But then theres the lab. Which is fun.
I just got to remeber to wear shoes and not sandals, otherwise I have to wear the boots. and those are gross.
Better than having acid spill of on your bare feet.

That would be painful,
very painful. Im currently editing and uploading my highschool senior project for english to facebook. Me and my friends are pretty friggin proud of it.

NOTE does have some foul languge. I think. Its been a while since i have watched it.
Tis uplading. 8 mins remaining.

Okay.
So.
Theres really no major updates.
Im getting really fat.

Really fat.
You have no idea.

They dont lie about the 15 lbs you gain.

SO MUCH FRIED FOOD.

I dont know how people survive off food from there...
I honestly dont know how.

What else....
Nothing really.
My Math teacher has finally realized that I have missed the last 3 Tusedays in a row, and has labeled me a "Know-it-all" because she says I think I know everything that is teaching (which for the most part is true... being the second time trhough it and all. ) But well see how that works out.

My room is still clean.
Still.
I should probably go clean it up after I kind of droped everything on the floor from school.
Thats what I do once the video is made.

Uh, yeah.
Still missing Africa, even though I know im going back and all.
I miss the people alot.
Wish they were all here.
but se la vie.

I dont think thats how you spell that.
I cant speak french!
Spanish, is a different story.

Yo hablo espanol mas bueno que frances.

pero yo no se como escribir muy bien.

Como SE llama?
(sugestively)

haha.

Too much fun. I really am enjoying the polyphonic spree.
Some of thier songs are great. The others... well not so much.
2 mins! woot! haha.
So yeah.

Thats about all thats going on with me.

Everyone wants to look at my class ring in chem.

Maybe its cause thats the only class i have friends besides Eric in.
haha.

God was love.
God is love.
God will be love.

Amen.
Peace out.

One day, Life.

One day there will be life.
one day the death will end.
One day.
One day.

but until that day,
I will sit here and wait.
Until that day, when i can tie my shoes together and throw them over the telephone wire,
until that day,
I will continue walking.

Until that day, I will wait,
steadfast,
until that day.