Collecting my belongs, and left the jail, thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.

I worry too much.
I think about pointless things way too much.
I drive way to fast.
I stare at the ocean while driving way too much.
I am way overly paranoid.
I am too depressed sometimes, and that drives people away a lot.
I don't love people enough.
I sin too much.
I dont talk to God enough.

is there ever forgiveness? I dont know.
Do I want forgiveness? My mind says I don't know, but my heart says yes!

So a funny thing happened today in the car.
I was driving home today, and it was raining (its been a rainy October here in cali) and I have honestly been struggling with a bit of depression lately, not really over Africa, but just life in general, and I was sitting in the car, and I was saying to myself, wow, I just dont feel good inside. I feel like I have this weird void.
This weird emptiness.

Just then a ge video jumped into my head.

If i were some random person I had met in a foreign country, I would have just led myself to Christ right there on the spot.

I have been focusing so much on ministering to my friends by fitting in with them that I had become one of the world. I was blending in so much that I had lost that spark of God.

So now I sit, and I have forked the road for myself.

Return to God.
and be happy.

Or dont,
and follow this path, see where it leads.
God still loves you.

And honestly? If you want the truth, I'm not exactly sure which road that I want to take.

I know I should be on the God path, because it's a happier path.

or I can keep doing what I am doing, and never grow in knowing him.

Which path to take?

Im not exactly sure. But I know that every fiber in my body is screaming for the latter. But my heart is telling me to crack a bible, as weird as that feels to me, and read it.

I have all these big dreams. All the amazing wonderful dreams that I really want to come true.

I want to live in Africa.
I want to adopt african children.
I want to pour myself out to them.
I want to watch them grow up and change their community.

I want to see all this happen.

And somehow, I just dont know how its going to happen.

And it frusterates the crap outa me.

Just like completing the square.

... I dont even want to talk about how much completing the square was pissing me off today in math class.

Anywho, I just don't know.

It was interesting, in Meg's note that she wrote, she talked about how her heart was broke for a fledgling country called America.

My heart has broke for an ancient continent and its people.

And I just dont know that I can handle it anymore.

Ugh. One thing that makes me embarassed to call myself a Christian is the hypocrasy in the church.
but look at me! LOOK AT ME!
what a hypocrite I am!

"How many roads must a man walk down,
before you call him a man?
How many seas must the white dove sail,
before she sleeps in the sand?"
"The answer is blowin in the wind"

Bob Dylan, as stuck up and impressed with himself as he is, has some really amazing things to say in his beautiful songs.

They are songs for our generation. Were going to be the next hippie generation, with out the free love and the drugs.

Sounds good to me.